the whole sky

That night he calmed me down by saying it. "It'll all be fine. I will reach out for you first. I promise." His words hugged me so tight that I even lost my own words. That night he calmed the storm inside of me. That night, 4 months ago. Since then, there were no storm ever hits me. Yes. There is no storm, but I might be dead slowly waiting for him on the seashore. I might be dead, either by being swallowed up by the tide waiting too long for him or by myself who desperately try to swim the ocean looking for his sign.

Hanya ingin bilang; aku kangen, tapi aku tidak bisa apa-apa.

Aku ya, baru tahu kalau orang yang kena panic disorder itu bakal ngerasain mual yang kayak... ew. Sudah sering baca yang begitu, tapi belum paham gimana maksudnya. Dan kalo baca yang begitu, aku yg sebelumnya cuma bakal ngangkat alis dan oh gitu aja. Tapi setelah hari ini, I will put up my respect for those who overcome theirselfs when panic is striking. Karena itu tu sangat tidak mudah, Ya Lord!!! Ya, bayangkan, imagine, stell dir vor: Okay, this is half one, my classmate and I sat next to each other, get ready to the lecture . And you know what happened next? Another classmate came approach and asked me, " Loh, hari ini 3 kelompok kan yang tampil? Aku, Fulanah, sama Mbak Tika." My reaction? Mouth gasped distances. Then she brought it to the truest reality. "Hey, Someone, kamu kemaren denger Herrnya ngomong berapa kelompok?" Dan si tertanya ini menjawab dengan enteng dan wajah tanpa dosanya, "Tiga." Mampus. This is half one, guys. The first presen...

Dear, my just friend I'm a grown up. Literally big enough and grown enough; whether you like it or not. I do not need your approval to choose everything in my life. I could befriend anyone but you, or I could be stuck with you and ignore anyone else. that was all my choices. And I am grown enough to know what should I talk about and with whom should I talk about it. You don't have to be worry about me. The choice I've made, whether it was good or bad, whether people approve it or not, have been taught me everything I could learn. Once at a time. I am grown up and would still grow. If I need to learn it, I will learn it at the time. Not a moment sooner nor a moment later. God know what I can bear and what should I go through. I believe in God for the time and the space, for my merely existence. Now, would you trust me or should I prove myself? If I do should, then you first have to prove me why should I prove myself to you. Know, when I decide t...

Beginikah akhirnya? Beginikah rangkuman segalanya? Aku telah dibenci. Untuk sebuah kesalahan yang bahkan tidak kulakukan padamu. Kali ini, persis saat ini, yang kuingin hanyalah mengambil satu langkah lebih dekat denganmu. Dan? Kamu mengambil satu langkah lebih jauh dariku. Perfect ... Dulu, hari-hari sebelum hari ini, bagaimana kamu berkata kamu selalu siap. Kamu siap akan segalanya, setidaknya begitulah gelagatmu. Kini, saat aku siap untuk jatuh, kamu tiba-tiba saja bungkam. Kejanggalan di antara kita. Ada kamu yang diam tak bergeming. Ada aku yang meraung marah dalam kehampaan. Kembali kutelisik kata-kata yang kamu ucapkan tapi tidak pernah untukku. Kamu menolak. Kamu menolak segalanya saat aku mulai mengakui segalanya. Mundur secara halus dan cuci tangan dari gejolak emosi yang kamu sebabkan. Selalu begitu. Selalu ada percikan api tentang mengapa kita dipertemukan. Satu kali kutanya padamu: "Hey, sampai bila kita akan terjebak dalam permainan ini? Pura-pur...

Berapa kali lagi hatimu harus patah sebelum kamu berbahagia? Berapa kali lagi kamu harus berpikir bahwa kamu telah menemukannya dan akhirnya terbutakan oleh harapan sebelum kamu benar-benar menemukannya? Berapa kali lagi kamu harus menolak segalanya sebelum pada akhirnya hatimu patah lagi? Berapa kali lagi kamu harus membatasi anganmu sebelum semua harapanmu pupus dan kamu hanya mampu berkata, "Oh, bukan aku?" Berapa kali lagi kamu harus menyangkalnya sebelum menyadari bahwa itu cinta? Berapa kali lagi kamu harus jatuh cinta sebelum kamu benar-benar mendapatkan cinta?

Sehari dua kali ya nulisnya. Kayak minum obat aja, haha. Lagi hampa sekali nih boy . Cuma mau bilang, tengah malam gini baru aku sadar. Seberapa indah, menggiurkan, dan mempesonanya sesuatu, yang virtual tetap tidak bisa menggantikan yang nyata. Kamu atau saya boleh sepanjang hari yang dari baru bangun sampai mau tidur ngekhayal yang iya-iya sampai yang enggak-enggak, lanjut berdelusi sepuasmu tentang apalah-apalah itu, sampai nangis ngegalauin oppa Korea padahal mereka nggak tau sama kamu. TAPI, ujung-ujungnya kamu cuma bakal ingin dia . Dia siapa, itu terserah kamu. Tapi, pasti nih, pasti semenyakitkan apapun dia, yang nyata akan selalu nyata dan berwujud. Senin, 30 Oktober 2017 00:10 WITA

Kamu kemana? :( Kamu kenapa ngilang? Aku ada salah, ya? Kenapa chatnya ga pernah di balas lagi? Kenapa cuma di read doang? Kenapa kamu ga pernah liat story-ku lagi? Kamu juga ga nge-love postingan ku lagi. Padahal aku tahu kamu ada di mana-mana. Kamu ga kangen sama saat itu? Saat kita ngobrol sampai lewat tengah malem? Aku yang ngejauh? Ya, kamu kan udah ada dia. Yakali aku dengan gatau dirinya ngechat kamu kaya dulu. Chat yang receh, konyol dan ga penting. Mungkin buat kamu aku ga penting, ya. Ini bukan in a r omantic-ways ya, tolong. Aku cuma pengen kita kaya dulu. Yang obrolannya selalu random. Tapi kalau emang gabisa, ya ga papa. Emang udah waktunya ya? :) Minggu, 29 Oktober 2017 14:xx WITA

I'm an emotional mess. I am broke. Yes. There are too much up, down, split, crack and void in my graphic. One day I feel right, like I am the happiest person on earth. No storm nor explosion could ruin it. Second day, I could feel the power inside of me. I told myself that I could conquer the world with this power. Next day, I feel like goddamn savage. No conversation without sarcasm or meme. Blessed you if I was your ally those day. Another days I am the most ignorant version I could be. Think that my words were nothing but trouble and poison. The other days, I cried out of nothing. Image of any parent: cry. My favorite characters found their lovers: cry. See a cutie duck: cry too! Like why the hell the world become so sentimental out of nothing? And many other day I struggle to have faith on my own self. Stand for my own self, and defend my own consciousness from the thoughts of the people around me. I once thought that they were right and they judge me because what I did...

"Loneliness in the crowd." Sentence I've read and heard for only God knows how many damn time. But I don't think that it was only loneliness for sure. As in my case, I never felt the loneliness as the mock. I think that loneliness is a safe point. Nobody would care with what you do, and no one would bother you. What I felt the most when I was in the crowd were just numb, void, and empty. When I was in the crowd, I feel myself shown the side I never knew was exist. I was suddenly became the me I never want to be. And everything happens in my mind. I was sometimes get scared on how my minds work. I give comment to everything the crowds are doing. I sometimes corrected the words they have said. I sometimes even think of how to humiliate the person that bothered my darker side. It was creepy but in the same times I could feel the power that I was actually afraid of. I became ignorant, I don't care with what they say or how they feel anymore. All I think a...

Teman-teman, Pernahkah bertanya "Apa yang membawaku ke sini? Apa yang membuatku datang ke tempat ini?" Kuliah? Kerja? Cari ilmu? Rasanya tidak. Pernahkah teman-teman berfikir bahwa mungkin saja takdir berperan dalam pertemuan kita? Bahwa ada sedikit keinginan untuk menemukan teman yang berasal dari akar yang sama yang mungkin bernasib sama? Sebagian dari kita mungkin berfikir demikian. Atau mungkin kita salah; ternyata kita semua berfikir demikian. Saya mengetahui, teman-teman datang ke tempat ini tidak dengan harapan kosong. Pasti ada seorang, dua orang, atau beberapa orang spesifik yang ingin teman-teman temui. Orang-orang tertentu yang memiliki perannya masing-masing dalam tiap langkah teman-teman di kota ini. Teman-teman yang membuat kita belajar bahwa segalanya tidaklah seperti yang nampak. Kita selalu dibuat belajar, menemukan hal baru, dan mengembangkan diri. Terimakasih yang terucap dihadapan ataupun di dalam doa rasa-rasanya tidaklah cukup untuk diberikan...

20/09/2017 1:00 a.m., Malang Tired, bukduchilsang in background, beautiful. It really was hard, today. But in the end of the day, this 1:xx a.m., when I lay on my bed with the thoughts in my head about how the world works and the way it should works, I gave up all those thoughts and just think about one thing out of the blue: life is just beautiful. It could be beautiful in a thousand ways. It will be as sparkle as firework and mesmerize everyone; or it will be just simply beautiful, like a mother's smile. That, was beautiful.

As it was the last day I have here for this time, I want to rewrite my way back home, and savor every moment we past through together. Papa, that evening, on my last day there, you picked me up from a friend's house. In that peaceful and lovely evening, I sat on the backseat of the cycle you ride. At that time, I already thought, that our way back home is gonna be tough. I almost say I love you, but afraid that you gonna mock me. I don't want the love I almost never speak up being returned with your typical joke, though I love every single joke you throw every time we sit together as the whole family. So we talked about the things we've wanted to have but you feel troubled because of Mommy's worry. I remembered I reassured you that I could have myself without that thing. That time, the moon was shining so bright. I almost think that the moon was needed to eavesdropping to our talk because she got jealous at every loving tune we speak off. Just around that ...

It wasn't the first time. We did it for so many times. Yet it never been an easy thing to do. It wasn't my first six months study. It wasn't my first semester. Yet it still so hard to face what's coming next. 'Cause I know I won't have you with me. You won't be there by my side. We may still had a conversation, and you'd always be the first to connect the line. All the voices and whispers, all of our virtual meetings, I still can't get enough of them. The truth is, I know it's hard for both of us; even before we parted. Tonight, in this very midnight, is a damn week before I depart, and I'm wide awake thinking about the words I supposed to say that day. Or the day before, or two days before. It was still the hardest part of goodbye I've ever known. The saddest thing here was, I was the one who planned for all the goodbyes.

Mungkin saya sudah tidak mencintai kamu lagi. Mungkin kamu masih menghantui saya, hanya karena mungkin cuma kamu yang saya pernah ketahui. Mungkin jika ada orang lain, saya akan berhenti mengaitkan segala hal denganmu. Mungkin jika saya ingin sedikit membuka hati saya, mungkin dengan sedikit bantuan, kamu mungkin tidak akan ada apa-apanya. Mungkin jika saya bersama orang lain, kamu tidak akan pernah terkenang. Mungkin saya akan bahagia dengan seseorang itu. Mungkin juga cerita saya dan dia akan berakhir seperti cerita saya dan kamu. Tetapi bila kemudian saya patah hati lagi, mungkin bukan kamu yang mematahkannya. Mungkin dia orang lain yang sepertimu, tapi mungkin tidak sepertimu. Mungkin dia.

Jika kamu takut untuk dekat denganku karena kamu akan dibenci, maka kamu punya hak untuk menjauhiku. Aku tak akan meminta kamu tetap tinggal dan melihatmu membelaku. Aku akan tetap tinggal dan menyaksikan kepergianmu, teman. Pada akhirnya, yang kupunya hanyalah diriku sendiri. Sakit memang, munafik jika aku berkata tidak. Karena luka yang sebenarnya bukanlah datang dari tajamnya lidah lawan, tetapi diamnya kawan kita.

Selama ini ternyata bukan hanya aku yang tidak pernah berhenti mencintaimu, tetapi kamu juga yang tidak pernah berhenti mencintainya. Kita terjebak dalam jalur spiral melingkar yang tidak berujung. Aku mungkin hampir berhasil menggapaimu, tapi kamupun juga hampir berhasil menggapainya. Akhirnya semua yang kukejar, semua yang kudengar, semua yang kubaca, semua yang kudapatkan hanyalah bayang-bayangmu.

Coba katakan padaku, bagaimana cara agar aku bisa tidur malam ini sementara aku tahu kamu baru saja terbangun dari segala mimpimu. Aku kalang kabut supaya kamu bisa melihat aku lagi. Ingin rasanya kutumpahkan segala yang terpendam di dalam hatiku, mencoba untuk menarik perhatianmu. Aku ingin memberikan semua tanda, sandi, kode, isyarat dan apalah itu supaya kamu mengerti; betapa kamu sangat kunantikan. Betapa kembalinya dirimu sungguh menjadikan segalanya berbeda. Aku tahu, kamu tidak bermaksud memberikan pertanda apapun, tapi aku terlanjur menjadi bodoh. Sistem penerjemah dalam otakku sudah secara otomatis memiliki kosa kata terjemahannya sendiri untuk tiap-tiap hal yang kamu lakukan. Aduhai, maaf kalau gadis ini begitu gembira dengan kembalinya dirimu. Aku tahu aku bukan apa yang kamu harapkan, tapi, mau bagaimana lagi. Meskipun pernah kukatakan bahwa kamu boleh pergi dan tak kembali atau kembali untuk kemudian pergi lagi; kamu pikir aku seikhlas itu membiarkan kamu pergi? ...

Setelah berbulan-bulan lamanya, setelah sekian lama, di sinilah aku duduk menghadapmu, menumpahkan perasaan. Bukan perasaan indah karena jatuh cinta, bukan buncahan perasaan yang meledak-ledak. Ini tentang perasaan yang terlalu lama, sekaligus baru. Sangat asing dan familiar. Mungkin saja perasaan yang sama dengan beberapa purnama yang telah lalu. Aku duduk di sini, memikirkan kamu. Tiba-tiba, di suatu senja, kamu melayang-layang di kepalaku. Bukan tengah malam atau pagi buta, waktu di mana biasanya aku selalu memanggil nama kamu, membayangkan bagaimana seharusnya kita bisa berakhir. Oh, dan kalau kamu mau tahu, aku baik-baik saja sejak kali terakhir aku menulis untukmu. Semuanya bisa teratasi dengan baik. Tidak ada rasa sesak ataupun air mata, hanya rasa yang menyesap pelan-pelan lalu mengabur kemudian menghilang. Tapi kamu tidak pernah hilang, kan? Aku selalu tahu itu. Kamu? Apa kamu tahu hal itu? Mungkin suatu saat, jika kamu membaca tulisan ini, kamu akan bertanya-tanya; apa ya...

Whatta crowded situation! People talk about anything; any random things. I trapped here, keep thinking about the strange thing. Tell me, am I weird? Am I a freak? Did being quiet in the crowd makes you weird? Did sing an old-fashioned song makes you weird? I can't even make them listen to the song I like. I don't want to force them. I never want to force what I believe, so that they believed it too. They have their own right and I respect that. But why can't they respect my choice? They really are strange people. Look, the things I want to tell you was not what I said myself. I got it from somebody else, too. I thank anyone who think about that and makes me could read their thought. What I knew is, if you're going to be weird, be confident about it.

Setelah berminggu-minggu, aku hanya akan menjadi sekilas mimpi di musim panasmu. Hanya sekejap dan akan terlupakan, menguap bersama panasnya cuaca atau menghilang bersama kemeriahan festival musim panas.

Buku. Saya suka membaca buku. Karena membaca adalah seluas-luas jagat raya, tempat petualangan tanpa batas. Tulisan. Saya suka menulis. Karena tulisan adalah sekuat-kuat jiwa dan raga, tempat mencurahkan segala rasa. Saya selalu suka.

Kamu tahu? Bahwa semua posting -an twitter, instagram, facebook, tumblr, dan segalanya adalah untuk memberitahumu semua tentangku; bagaimana hariku, bagaimana kabarku, apa yang terjadi padaku. Meskipun pada akhirnya tetap saja tiada kabar darimu.

There were once the hunchback and the fool. They work for a prosperous merchant. The hunchback worked as movers and the fool worked as accountant. None of them seem to put a good, sincere effort for him, though they were polite enough on his eyes. The hunchback and the fools' relation was always in a proper term, but not close enough to be called good. Too many games played, too many power involved. They compete to control the merchant, because they thought that the merchant is just trash without them. Both of them were confident with their ways. Each of them believe that somehow they managed to fool another. The hunchback believe that he had fool the fool that he was humpbacked and suffered of his fate. He have nothing but strength. He was amused by the way the fool keep encouraging him that his humpbacked fate would have their own good side, which is his strength. None that the fool knew that the hunchback told the merchant once that the fool had deceive the merchant with accou...

In those long awaited semester, you struggle to make a phone call. You struggle with differrent time-zone. You struggle to catch up with what is upon him. All those fights. All those struggles. You feel so alive to fight for him. That should be the best could ask from you. Yet you still fight everything for him. 'Cause he more than worth it.

I can't always forever be like this. I know. I can't forever loving you this way. If one day you settle down, I shall not be like this anymore. I can't love you anymore. I could have no dreams of you anymore. I could imagine no future for us. Not any single prayer is proper for you anymore. I want you to be my only one; and I want to be your only one. But what if we aren't for each other?

Sekarang, semua orang bisa jadi penulis. Zaman sekarang, kamu nulis, nggak pake ©(credit), habis dicomot sana-sini sama publik. Padahal yang nulis, mikirnya hati-hati, masak-masak, biar gak salah arti... Enak ya, dapat tulisan, dicapture, liat suasana yang pas, upload ke sosmed atau dibikin kepsyen... Berasa pujangga dah tuh. Hellow, bikin kepsyen bukan se-unfaedah itu!!

She cried. She cried her hearts out for him. She wish he was there. She wants him to wipe her tears. He knew she cried. He thought of any boy who made her cry. He wish to be that boy. He promise to never make her cry. She loves him. He loves her. But it was not that simple. If only...

Jadi ceritanya sama Mbak Yuli muter-muter di Matos. Yang pengen sih saya, pengen banget makan jajangmyeon dan kata temen di Matos ada, ukuran sama harga standar. Jadilah ke Matos. Pas udah di Matos, kelilinglah Yuli dan saya. Sasaran pertama: Doshirak . Jadi, Doshirak ini adalah kafe tempat jual jajangmyeon itu. Pas ke situ, udah sampai depan kafenya, eh, hati kecil berbisik, "Psst, kemahalan buat standarmu." Iyalah mehong, orang belum diberi asupan coyeh.... Jadilah putar balik badan dan keliling-keliling nggak jelas. Ke Gramedia mau beli buku, yetapi mehong juga. Jadilah ke Foodcourt, Mbak Yuli pengen makan Sushi. Jadilah kita ke Foodcourt dan Mbak Yuli kesampaian pengen makan Sushi. Yeee dapat Sushi 6 potong harga 30k. Sepotong 5k dan saya nyoba makan satu, haha. Sushinya kebesaran, mau makan cantik gak bisa deh haha. Ternyata Yuli kecewa, pemirsa. Rasanya biasa aja sih wakwaw. Yaudih, jadi saya ambil foto dulu Sushi sama Yulinya. Judulnya "Aku dan Seonggok...

Be careful. I might be quiet, but I listen, and I give comment, and I correct every word, I reply every argument, I criticize every idea; And in my head, I killed you three times already.

Bloody Hell! Kids nowadays talk about branded and product, while twenty years old me just crying over died cat and chicks, still do not touch make up, and still try to figure out how to get a normal photograph where I do not look like a pathetic wall decoration. Oh, my skin is never touched. I never allow anyone to touch them. No. Neva. Eva. Foreva.

Ada orang yang memberimu jalan; memberimu pilihan-pilihan yang tidak membebani. Sama sekali meyakinkanmu bahwa jalan itulah yang terbaik; tanpa menunjukkan bahwa dialah pemilik ide itu. Namun, di saat kau melakukan kesalahan, ia mungkin orang pertama yang memberikan pendapatnya tentang kesalahanmu; membentuk pandangan orang lain terhadap keputusan yang kau buat atas pilihan yang diberikannya. Membuatmu yakin bahwa semuanya adalah kesalahanmu; padahal kau lebih berharga dari semua itu.

I know you are longing for a far away land. Expensive plane ticket; midnight departure; hours of drive; and lots of packed present. I know you are longing for a distant person. Long prayer; dreamless nights; sealed-by-kiss letters; and lots of tears. But this specific person, is more than worth it.