Numb?

"Loneliness in the crowd."
Sentence I've read and heard for only God knows how many damn time. But I don't think that it was only loneliness for sure.

As in my case, I never felt the loneliness as the mock. I think that loneliness is a safe point. Nobody would care with what you do, and no one would bother you.

What I felt the most when I was in the crowd were just numb, void, and empty.
When I was in the crowd, I feel myself shown the side I never knew was exist.
I was suddenly became the me I never want to be. And everything happens in my mind.

I was sometimes get scared on how my minds work. I give comment to everything the crowds are doing. I sometimes corrected the words they have said. I sometimes even think of how to humiliate the person that bothered my darker side.

It was creepy but in the same times I could feel the power that I was actually afraid of. I became ignorant, I don't care with what they say or how they feel anymore. All I think about is how to survive.

I was not anything of the old me. There were no more crying till I choke with my own breath; there were no more long text of sorry for them. I just go straight to the core, and cut it exactly in the middle.

Everyone could think that it was simple and doesn't waste time. But it was too damned scary for me. I kept asking myself, "Have you lost your mind? Have you not been the soft-hearted girl you were once? Are you gonna lost yourself like this?"

It was creepy and I don't want it. But, I don't know anymore. Have I been too used to what happened around me? Have my sorrounding brought bad influences? I thought so.

Now, I need to be selectively social. The door was not for anyone to enter. They may just stand outside and talk straightly to you, you don't have to let them in. They don't deserve it.

They don't help you grow. They don't root for you, they just got you rotten.