the whole sky

there were times, it took months to let go, weeks to forget, days to realize, hours to believe. but there were times, years and years, and nothing changed. that one time, for that one person, time, doesn't relevant.

Hei, demi matahari dan bulan, bumi dan lautan, aku ingin bertanya padamu ; u ntuk apa, sih, kamu tiba-tiba datang ke mimpiku? Aku tidak sedang  berada dalam penantian, kesedihan, dan kejatuhan yang berhubungan dengan kamu. Aku sedang baik-baik saja meski beberapa tugas memang membuat kepalaku pening dan rasanya aku ingin pingsan saja. Tapi kemudian, hanya itu, tidak ada yang berhubungan dengan kamu. Kamu belum terlintas dibenakku sepanjang tahun ini, belum cukup untuk membuatku menuliskan tentangmu lagi. Namun lagi, ini kamu, kamu selalu punya cara untuk kembali setelah kukatakan ‘kamu bebas pergi dan kembali sesukamu’. Dan kamu memang kembali. Kamu pandai me ncuri kesempatan dan mem permainkan ucapan gadis naif sepertiku. Baik, kemudian, bagaimana caranya aku harus menghadapi kamu yang seperti itu? Kamu yang datang tanpa tedeng aling-aling, tanpa pemberitahuan sebelumnya agar aku bisa bersiap menghadapimu, datang tanpa diundang. Oh, kamu bahkan tidak memerlukan u...

Have you been fighting it for your whole life? Have you been struggle all these time? How was your days and nights? How many times you have to turn your back against the world just to save my world? How often did your heart ache because of me? How long have you suffered because of me? How many times you shed tears in the middle of the night; when I was sleep so carefree, so you thought that I won't know your tears? I was so selfish. All you did, it's always have to be about me. I was upset if your world didn't revolve around me. Still you think about me? Did you still? Still I can't reach out for you first. But, nothing matters anymore with your mere existence. Now it's never them or anyone, it's more than me. It was you. Both of you.

Some were blessed with a long live. Some were blessed with a long journey. Some were blessed with a long story. Some were blessed with a great life. Some were blessed with a universe. But, I was blessed enough with this long and vast space between us. Be grateful for us didn't fated yet to met, cause neither of us know, what kind of twist we were blessed with.

... karena kita ada di jalan yang berbeda, tak bisa mendekat ataupun bersentuhan. Hanya saling menatap manik mata, bertukar sapa dalam bisikan; two idiots who could only exchange gazes. Kita saling bertatapan, takut untuk mengalihkan pandangan, sebab kita tak tahu pasti bila akan bersirobok tatap kembali. Saling memandang dalam diam. Berharap kita dapat saling berkomunikasi lewat tatapan mata; berharap kamu mengerti makna teriakan diamku; berharap kamu melihat bagaimana percikan itu kini berubah menjadi gemuruh api; berharap kamu cukup berani untuk menghampiriku lebih dulu; Sebab, sudah berapa kali kita berselisih waktu dan tempat? Dan sudah berapa kali kita kecewa setelah mengetahuinya? Jika, jika kita mau sedetik saja mengalah--mengabaikan ego kita, mungkin kita akan dipertemukan. Tapi kita tahu, kita terlalu sombong untuk tunduk pada takdir. We'll never meant to be together...

Pointless ride, cold wind against my face, frozen finger on my fist; that much to calm those needless heat inside me. Maybe I broke too much, hence it took too long to heal. Maybe.

Okay, are you anxious about other people's thoughts toward you? Pernahkah kamu merasa tidak nyaman  dengan kiriman sesorang di media sosial? Pernahkah kamu merasa bahwa kamu hanya sebernilai tatapan yang diberikan padamu? Semua orang pasti pernah mengalami ketidaknyamanan. Tapi bagaimana jika ketidaknyamanan itu berlangsung terus-menerus? Bagaimana jika ketidaknyamanan dari luar itu malah membuat kita tidak nyaman dengan diri kita sendiri? Atau lebih buruk, kehilangan diri kita sendiri? Pemikiran seperti 'saya memiliki masalah mental' dan 'mental saya bermasalah', benar-benar bukan sesuatu yang kita ingin pikirkan. Bahkan pemikiran sesederhana 'apa yang salah dengan saya?' benar-benar bisa menjerumuskan kita pada hal yang tidak-tidak . Dalam sebuah kiriman pada akun informasi visual Insider, disebutkan bahwa 1/3 mahasiswa tahun pertama di Amerika Serikat memiliki masalah dengan kesehatan mentalnya. Kebanyakan mereka memerlukan penanganan intra kampus...

but, you know, life was never easy; what ifs, wrong timing, distance, red thread, unrequited love, ghosts from your past. Who knows about ours....

Could you imagine, fly return to home late evening, in a golden hour, and fly off home early morning, in a magic hour, and between those flight is a dreamy time with the people of stars. What a wonderfully bitter-sweet journey. -06.09-06.19.18 On a dreadful struggle to meet the faces I've known and missed.

This is departing in a cruelest way; counting days and still never enough. I hate timing, and timing is such a pretty badass bitch. And I feel the need to punch that bitch in the face, with a chair. - S. Noor Airport Tuesday, June 19th 2018 5:54 A.M in an early morning flight to Surabaya .

Wasn't it easier if, eventually you'll end up with this only one person in your life? If eventually you both are inseparable? Even if we gotta go through so many obstacles; sacrifice so many things, bent and break for countless times, stumbled on same stones, fall for over and over again. Even if there are so many hearts to hug, so many places to go, so many names to say, so many loves to fall in. If in the end it was the person you think the most, wouldn't it all be easier?

One day, you came and  knocked on my door, with no sign; after a dreadful battle between a stormy ocean inside my mind, and a rocky mountain of my thought. You've always come to pay a visit between a long tiring journey of a heart-home, to another awful journey of another dead-shore. So, I'm stuck at that moment; when you knock on my door, and I don't have a gut to open that door.

You gotta know this; know, when I shared my playlist with you, means that you were nothing just it. When I share those songs to you; I want you to hear my thoughts, I want you to read my minds, I want you to understand my feeling, and I want you to know me; more than what you see or what you hear, more than what I show you, more than what I sing you.

Aku masih ingat, hari-hari awal aku tiba di sini; aku menangis, karena tempat ini kosong, sangat asing dan aku hanya sendirian. Dan kini, hari terakhirku di sini; aku ingin  menangis, karena demi apapun, tempat ini sudah penuh, begitu familiar dan bahkan menjadi bagian dari pencapaianku. Semua sudut, semua celah dan retakan, semua noda di dinding, bekas selotip, bekas paku, noda rembesan air, bekas tetesan cat yang sudah menemani sejak awal, derit pintu, effort tiap malam ketika menutup jendela, gorden yang digantung menggunakan lakban, kabel perbaikan yang ujar salah seorang kakak senior pemasangannha "kedada etikanya lalu", kabel perpanjangan yang sering jadi jebakan untuk orang baru, jamur yang tumbuh di dinding-dinding lemariku, lantai miring di depan kamar, saluran air yang meluap kala hujan, bau apek ketika pintu selalu kututup sepanjang hari, sinar yang menelisik melalui kaca jendela dan ventilasi, sarang laba-laba tipis di sudut langit-langit, ruangan pengap itu, ka...

I don't know whether it was a coinsidence; cause it was too strong and weird. I don't know whether it was fate; just because it was always you. I don't know whether it was a quiet tiny bond between us; cause you keep pulling me back. Out of all the most random time, why did you show up at that time? Out of all random act, I would never expect you'll realize mine. It was real, you liked it and you talk about it. Literally, you see it , at that most random time. Or, Out of all random time, why did I choose to be seen at that time? It was not a random act, I already planned it for long time. It was real, I exposed it and it became the talk of the town. Literally, I wanted to be seen , at that exact moment. Now, Thanks for show up and turn my already messed world upside down. ... and I still wonder; whether we're completely fated, or you're the one who keeps pulling this broken knot, or am I the one who was never learn the path?

The longing feeling for something that I haven't even know. "I'd go back in time, and change it, but I can't." "One more time, back to that day just one more day, back to that time If only I could go back, if I could go back" "... wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now." "When you're young, you just run, but you come back to what you need." These lyrics I keep play in my head, over and over again, since yesterday up till now. Really, if I could go back, I would. Years then, when the world felt so small, yet they were mine. They are mine. It was never wrong. Tidak pernah salah. Nostalgic? It wasn’t even a bit of memory to be recalled. I didn’t regret it that I don’t. Aku tidak menyesal tidak melakukannya. But I long to do it, though I never do it. Tetapi aku  rindu  melakukannya, meskipun aku tidak pernah melakukannya. It felt like it was my story, it felt like it wa...

Bisa tidak, kamu jangan begini? Berapa kali kubilang, kalau ingin pergi, silakan pergi. Pergi saja, tapi jangan kembali. Kalau keperluanmu denganku sudah selesai, ya sudah. Pergi saja. Tinggalkan saja. Jangan sungkan. Kamu tidak perlu membalas pesanku. Kamu tidak perlu mencari topik pembicaraan lain. Kamu tidak perlu berpura-pura peduli. Ini aku. Aku membosankan dan selalu kehabisan bahan bicara dan aneh dan tidak asyik. Itu aku. Jangan kembali, tolong. Kamu tahu, kan, aku mudah jatuh. Sekali jatuh aku tersungkur. Tolong, kalau tidak siap menangkap, jangan buat aku jatuh lagi. Tolong kembali seperti biasa; tolong abaikan pesanku jika sudah lewat 24 jam, seperti dulu. Tolong jangan dengarkan aku yang bilang bahwa kamu boleh pergi dan kembali sesuka hatimu. Maaf, aku naif saat itu. Tolong lupakan. Tolong; maaf, silakan pergi saja.

Sudah cukup lama kita berlalu. Aku masih menceritakan tentang kamu Masih berbicara tentang kamu. Aku terus berharap bahwa apa yang kurasakan benar dan tulus Hanya untuk mendengar bahwa kamu memang bukan yang terbaik Padahal aku tidak pernah meminta yang terbaik Aku hanya ingin yang selalu ada Dan kupikir percakapan larut malam dan pagi buta sudah cukup. Ternyata hanya aku yang merasa cukup.

Setelah sekian lama, setelah sekian banyak waktu, masih saja aku bercerita pada teman-temanku, orang-orang terdekatku, segala hal yang berlalu, segala hal yang hanya diberikan oleh kamu. Setelah semua obrolan, isi hati dalam genangan, pandangan tentang kamu selalu sama. Kata mereka, kamu tidak pernah baik, tidak pernah cukup baik untuk dicari. Aku jadi bertanya-tanya; aku kah yang tidak pantas dibela, atau kamukah yang bedebah? Hari ini kuceritakan lagi. Semua tentang hati; tentang percakapan pagi, dan kudengar jawaban yang sama lagi, bahwa kita tidak pantas jadi. Aku terus bertanya, dan bercerita untuk meyakinkan bahwa kamu memang bukan untuk ku genggam. Tidak. Bahkan setelah semua percakapan larut malam, dan pesan-pesan di pagi kelam dengan topik yang tiada batasan. Tapi, Aku tahu Kita pernah dekat Namun tiba-tiba pudar Hilang.... *** 4.6.18

Have you ever see someone who was so sad and helpless at the day; they desperately couldn’t do anything about it, and then sob quietly as the dusk down? Just right at the moment when the greyish sky and cloud turned into a clear cold blue-glass colour, a tiny splash of tears fell down to earth. I didn’t see it. Maybe I was too caught up in my work and had no time to look at those tears, but the exact moment I stared at that cold blue sky, everything just seem vague; the movement of the people outside my fence seemed blur, and calls of the mosque looked like they come from distant places. I could predict the tears by the noon; thought that it will come soon, but I was flustered by the way that they were being held back for so long; till the dusk. This day, I was too tired to observe my surrounding, but what happened to the day really was something that I cannot simply ignore. Yesterday, this was happened too and really affected my entire day. Today it happened again...

What if one day everyone leaves you? Not because you aren't good enough for chances. It's just the time that has comes. Have you been ready for those times? When one by one is being taken away from you; or maybe being snatched away from you. Will you be tough? For you know that nothing lasts forever. Nor will you be doubt? For you know that they won't be with you anymore. You know it'll comes. You know they have their turns. Yet my question again for once; Will you ready for that?

Do you know, how hard it was to moving on? When the world judge you for still in love; judge you for still drowning in those pain; judge you for not letting go of him. Why? If I was moving on, should I only wrote about the toughness I have to put then? Should I only walk on the passenger side and not on my way? Should I only say that he was nothing? He was never been nothing. He was the part of me. He might not be here, but he made me here. Those feeling could not be erased, and I won't erase it. Just, it doesn't mean that I can't feel the same thing in a brand new way. I was in love in every way with him. I am in love in every way he made me feel. I will love someone in every little pieces they had. I loved him that way. I could love you in the same way, or even in billions of different ways. I was nothing without him. He's breathing in me. He was beautiful, but I am moving on.

It happened too often. Again and again, tonight and then. I had a dream, about us, about the distance that stretch for hundred miles between us, about the day you need me beside you, about the day I cried without you. Yet, it was all never been about you. I never heard your voice got higher neither louder. It's so hard to tell for sure, whether you're just being soft to me, or slowly fading away from me? "I miss you." "I miss you." What else should I say? There is no easy way. Even in my imaginary, time's nothing but cruelty. The mere thought, about unable to go home this summer, really takes everything away. Even if I miss you too damn much, still I could do nothing much. Thoughts aren't enough, crying won't help me through. Memories tear the vein, never ease the pain.

Firstly, I could start a long long long essay about how this fire started to burn inside of me; how all of those thoughts contemplating inside of me and lit that one ember that turned everything into raging flame. But, no. I won't let myself back to those times ever again. No. Now it's another story and the fireplace is dusted. That fire was in the past. The nights they lit up was sorrowful and tearful. It illuminated nothing but my own monsters. The old me would probably pour litres of water to the flame only to be foolishly startled at the blare I cause myself. But if I was to change, the newer version of me would probably pour gasoline to the fire only to watch it turns into raging flame, and dance along the light. All night long if I have to. I want to enjoy the mess that I have inside of me. Well, it would have been that way if I was more likely the old me. But that was an old story. The fire had died long ago, and the smoke don't choke me anymore. I'm healing...