Virtual Diary: #Tujuh - A Bitter Fiction

The longing feeling for something that I haven't even know.

"I'd go back in time, and change it, but I can't."

"One more time, back to that day
just one more day, back to that time
If only I could go back,
if I could go back"

"... wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now."

"When you're young, you just run, but you come back to what you need."

These lyrics I keep play in my head, over and over again, since yesterday up till now.
Really, if I could go back, I would.

Years then, when the world felt so small, yet they were mine. They are mine.
It was never wrong. Tidak pernah salah.

Nostalgic? It wasn’t even a bit of memory to be recalled.
I didn’t regret it that I don’t. Aku tidak menyesal tidak melakukannya.
But I long to do it, though I never do it.
Tetapi aku rindu melakukannya, meskipun aku tidak pernah melakukannya.

It felt like it was my story, it felt like it was all mine.
Rasanya aku hidup dengan mereka. Rasanya hidupku adalah bersama mereka.

To read is to live another life.
Membaca adalah hidup dalam kehidupan lain.

It was all just fiction, but why did their life felt livelier than mine?
It wasn’t my life, wasn’t my story, has nothing to do with me; yet why does it feels like that whole story was dedicated to me?
My life was never quiet an interesting story to tell.
It was just a lame story of an ordinary girl tried to live her life normally. Though, there would be no huge difference even if I tried to live it another way. Or it would?
I don’t know. I never tried.

I didn’t get jealous to the people who have piles of trophy and certificates.
I didn’t get jealous to the people who could buy anything with their parent’s money.
I didn’t get jealous of the real life around me.

I do get jealous with their fictional life in that story.
Even though their life in that story was nothing better than mine.

Yes.
Things that weren’t mine are always seems better.

I always said that I didn’t get jealous of people’s life, instead got jealous to a character’s fictional life.
That was so cliché.
By reading their story, I became nostalgic,
I feel empty emotionally.

They made me regrets the life I have now.
They made me think that it must be great now if I did it then.
They made me think that things would be better if I were a little bit more courage earlier.

They made me feel bad, and they were bad.
But, they were right.

I never regret to find a good story before,
but now I did regret it more.

Of course it was a beautiful story.
Of course it moved me.
It was beautifully written.
And it was beautifully awakening.

I don’t know what this that I’m feeling is.

One thing I knew, a quote that keeps haunting me:
“Before you realized, your youth had slipped away.”

And it was a nightmare.
A beautiful nightmare.

***
Fri., 4.20.–Sat., 4.21.2018

The Storm brought by @matryosika‘s Young Wings

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