the whole sky

When I stop crying over you. It doesn't mean that I'm over you. I just getting too tired to choke again. It's already hard to breath having you far. It's gonna choke me to death to cry over our closeness. We are really close, chemistrically connected. Yeah. Really close, and chemistrically poisonous. I broke without you; but I could kill myself trying to desperately have you.

Kau sudah pergi, mengapa kembali? Aku sudah terlanjur nyaman dengan engkau yang hilang tanpa kabar. Aku sudah nyaman hanya memanggilmu dalam bisik-bisik. Aku sudah nyaman hanya melihatmu dalam angan-angan. Aku sudah nyaman dengan kita yang tak mungkin bertemu. Jarak di antara kita tidak hanya terpaut mil jauhnya. We have this misunderstanding. Itu adalah jarak terjauh yang memisahkan dua manusia. Tapi aku nyaman, karena itu sangat indah. Bodoh nian saat kukatakan kau bebas pergi dan kembali untuk kemudian pergi lagi. Jahat sekali aku pada diriku sendiri, hingga sebebas itu engkau boleh pergi dan kembali. Tanah yang kurindukan kembali berguncang ketika engkau kembali. Aku harus beradaptasi kembali dengan bayanganmu. Tiada kah engkau mengerti?

So what do you mean? I asked for sign. I did. I meant nothing by that, know that you were nowhere to see me. Know that you were nowhere to be found. But, there you are; magically, charmingly, georgeously show your light in the last minute of midnight. I was in the middle falling asleep. That moment, I thought I was dreaming, 'cause its been six months since you suddenly, magically, helplessly disappear from anywhere. But, there you are; continouosly, bravely, greatly show yourself in my view. Are you giving me signs? Are you really care about me ranting about the signs I need? Then, I deeply, greatly, regretfully apologise. I never knew, that you would take that as a sign from me. I'm sorry for making us both trapped in this confusing sign-giving interactions. We could give each other the signs that we ask. But do we really mean it? We could end up somewhere, instead of giving each other the key to the door, we're gonna giving each other knives and guns. Sca...

Das ist mir Wurst! I don't wanna concept and system. Why don't we just grow? It did give you scars But don't you see the beautiful crack in the stone that craft by nature? Isn't it beautiful for the tree to grow tall through the dirt? Isn't it comfortable to just lying down in a meadow and there is nothing limits you but the stars? What's the point on having stacks of achievment certificate? Won't you rather have stacks of beautiful harvest that gave to you by nature? Das ist mir Wurst!

I read somewhere: "People nowadays, do not listen to understand. They listen to reply." Yes. I see it already. It clearly right. Cause it already happened. We always have the crowd to voice their mind, but we have no one to understand what do we need. Yeah, you always want to stand out to be seen. But won't you keep away to see the things wholly? Would you stand outside of the circle and have the infinity?

Even when we trapped in time, there is no way we could meet. Even when the dream is real, there is no way we could have a time . If I could leap the time away, still, there is no other way.

How to kill someone #2: Promise them wonderland, then bring them reality of the world...

It's time to make a wish. Well, honestly, I want nothing more than you. Having you here with me, saying the wishes together with you, you smile at me, I say our dreams, you encourage me, and you shower me under limitless love tonight. I want nothing than that. I maybe want to be better, and I also wanted a new heart. I want to be the best thing for you. I want to be the best gift for you. You said, wait for the gift you'll send, but I don't need it. 'Cause having you, though we were thousand miles apart, are the best gift itself. Your prayer really lifted me up. They take shape as everything in everyday of my life. You never forget to love me. You never forget the lyrics I love. You never look at any other than me. Your eyes never lose their shine, and the best part is they have my name on them. The day we will meet again, must be the day of ours. Where I know, that I am safe. You are more than a home to be back. You are more than person to love. You...

Hi. Long time didn't hear from you. Now, wow, we are finally here. My eyes on you. Your eyes on me. We talked. Not much to talked. A brief greeting, weather and works. The silence take over the most. But, we were alright with this silence. You know, the day before yesterday, the day before, and before, and before, I wonder, how was you this past 9 years. How was your study? How was your work? How was your family? How was life? And a thing that tickles my mind; have you ever thought about a single thing of me? For a magical time, we were in our own world. I have you, you have us. We worried about nothing but those plastic and wooden things. We knew how to sneak to each other's house in early morning. We run along the lane and hid in the bushes. How everything seemed so perfect. I want to talk to you about all those beautiful time but, I know, I can't. We can't. We can't talk about those times but we ended up looking at each other deeply, with the ...

She knows. It was a hundred times clear. He won't come back. Everyone knows. Even a stranger will tell her the same. He maybe never will. "But he had to!" She said. Yeah, 'cause you wait for him. Wait for too long. Everyone knows. Even a stranger can tell you the same.

You know, right now, In the middle of a busy day, In the middle of crowds, In the middle of a hectic weeks, In the middle of a noisy place, The thought of you suddenly hit me. You know, I create an event that you would love to join. But, I wonder if you still play the same. . . . In the middle of the game, it rained so hard. I was on my way to game point, and I got wet all over. Soon as I arrived at the place,I drained myself, I joined my mates and had a small talk about the weather. Then, you came into my sight. You were o n someone's face. He smiled so bright and you were the first thing I thinking of. Now, you take my focus for the rest of the game. I don't know how to keep myself together. It's just the first day of the game, and I still don't know what will tomorrow brings.... Sat. October 1st 2016 SM Futsal, Malang

Please, don't yell to me. It stabbed my lungs. I couldn't breath. It will be bad for us. I can't forget your face. I can't forget the word you used. I can't forget how loud it was. I can't forget how it slit me. Things were falling down. I'm a coward. It makes me afraid. It scared me. It frightened me. It freaked me. I can't. Please, don't. I'm scared of you.

As the night goes deeper, it's gonna be easy to get emotional. And now is the exact spot to experience such feeling.

So, this file was actually had been stored for a very-very long time. I wrote it in the early beginning of the year, when I just got back to college life. Yea, the second day, and I already had a crisis. If only you know how did that feel, you might just break apart. Anyway, just enjoy the feeling!!

A girl called Amber The Joker.

Oktober, November Bulan merah, bulan putih Berbeda musim, berbeda harapan Mengalami kejatuhan yang sama ditutupi dan mencair dengan nyanyian yang menyedihkan